


We're family.

by HP_of_the_North



Series: Because I love Sam Winchester. [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Actually chapter 10 is just a fun scenerio, And I'm gonna miss him. A lot, Be cautious of the later chapters, Castiel is Jack Kline's Parent, Co-Parenting, Episode 15x15 changed my mind about involving Cas in this story, Father-Son Relationship, Fluff, From chapter 9 through the end if you're not caught up, Gen, Good dad!Cas, Good dad!Sam, I just want to reiterate, I see a lot of stories about Cas and Dean with Jack, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Torture, Is one hell of a dad, Mentions of self harm (don't worry I'll always warn you when that's coming up), Mostly Canon Compliant, Protective Sam Winchester, SO, Sam - Freeform, Sam Winchester is Jack Kline's Parent, Sam doesn't get many and I thought it's about time someone changed that, Sastiel if you squint, Series of Oneshots, So you can read that but chapters 9 11 12 13 14 are all spoiler filled, Some angst, Sorry Not Sorry, This isn't spoiler free by the way, but you know what?, father-son bonding, mentions of bullying, mostly...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:13:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 16,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26509570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HP_of_the_North/pseuds/HP_of_the_North
Summary: Sam's always wanted a kid, he doesn't think he's ever told anyone that before. So when he saw this little boy, only new to the world and needing a parent to guide him. He did. Through the discovery that not all humans were kind, to how damaging some things can be, through the nightmares of Lucifer and himself. He sat by him when he was sick. He cared for him and nursed him back to health. Why? Because Jack's his son. No matter who donated the sperm. He'shis.
Relationships: Castiel & Jack Kline, Jack Kline & Sam Winchester, Sam WInchester & Dean Winchester jr., Sam Winchester & Castiel
Series: Because I love Sam Winchester. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2016221
Comments: 80
Kudos: 144





	1. Protect.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack learns about bullies and how Sam will always protect him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, change of plans, from chapter 8 onwards Cas is a huge part of these one shots too. I'm weak....I gave in....I couldn't help myself okay!? SPOILERS!!!! SPOILERS!!! SPOILERS!!! 
> 
> After the beginning of 'Gimme shelter' when Cas immediately asked Sam what he wanted to do about Jack going on the case, I was like 'They can't just put that scene in there and expect me not to think 'Co-parenting goals' okay!? It doesn't even have to be about Sastiel being boyfriends or whatever since I don't really ship anything seeing as I prefer platonic siblings/parent-child relationships. It's just about how these two, the people Lucifer screwed over the most stood the fuck up and became this little boy's parents when he had no one else. I'm just....I am deceased....it's Chuck damn beautiful to say the least. So, Cas is becoming a major presence in these chapters now. Settle in, guys, it's gonna be a ride.

"Jack?" Sam asked, his voice was soft as he squints at the kid in confusion, he was frowning at Maggie's phone screen, some of it was in confusion and some of it was anger. 

Sam had noticed that about him, he rarely only ever felt one thing at once. Most of the time he found that endearing but this time? He was more than a little worried, Jack's never angry or at least never _this_ angry. Frustrated, yes, now that he lost his Grace but not angry, he hasn't been angry since Lucifer. Jack turned to him with his blue eyes afire with ferocious anger. Once upon a time, that might've made him pee himself just a little bit but not anymore, Jack would never hurt him and he'd never hurt Jack. 

"Hi." he muttered, he'll never get use to his extremely deep voice though, especially seeing as he's only 8 months old but he would, in time. 

"What are you doing up? You've got training with Bobby first thing tomorrow morning." he said, sitting beside him at the well worn table that he should really replace sometime in the future. 

"I know but Maggie was upset and I wanted to know why. Look." he muttered, handing him the phone. 

Sam frowned even more than he already was as his eyes rove over the messages, petty insults, snide remarks, name calling, fat shaming too which he didn't even understand why considering Maggie wasn't even overweight, in fact he was almost positive she was under it from being in apocalypse world all her life. Where food was scarce and if you couldn't find a deer you're eating bugs for dinner. 

"Why would they do that? Maggie's so nice and kind. Why would someone want to hurt her?" Jack asked, turning to him with innocent eyes, innocent eyes that'd seen too much for a kid his age. 

Sam nodded, licking his lips. He placed down the phone and mulled over how he was meant to explain this to him, he could say that it was just how some people were but he's never liked that answer, he felt like it made the problem too simple, and he thought it sounded like he didn't care when he actually did. Well, at least with his dad it had sounded like his problem wasn't worth his time. 

"They do it because they're insecure about themselves, when they see someone like Maggie, who's beautiful, kind and loved. They get jealous and then they get angry. They wanna make someone feel what they feel. Make them sad because they're sad and they feel like they don't have anybody. So they take it out on everyone else." he said, his voice unusually soft. He had had his fair share of bullies over the years too. 

"But why? It's not their fault. They're not the ones who make them sad." Jack said. 

"They don't care about that kiddo." Sam muttered. "What they do care about is, if you're smaller than them, weaker than them and more insecure about yourself then them. That's when they strike. Like snakes, they go after all the smaller ones because they know the bigger ones would blow their freaking brains out. They're cowards." 

"It's not fair." he muttered. 

"No, no it's not. Sometimes the most monstrous of things aren't really monsters." 

"What do we do to stop them? They can't be allowed to get away with stuff like that." Jack said. 

"We ignore them, especially on the internet where we can't do much of anything. And if they keep doing it, we report them to the police and block them. The worse thing you can do with a bully is to let them know how much they're hurting you." 

"Because they want that." 

"Exactly, if they keep bothering Maggie, tell her to come to me. I'll sort it out." 

"What if they start hurting you? I don't think I want that." he said, his brows furrowed. 

Sam's soft heart melted in his chest, he wasn't even sure why hearing him say those words meant the very world to him but he couldn't help himself. He was a 'Gentle Giant' as they say. Sam rustled his hair affectionately with a giant smile. 

"Don't worry about me. I can handle some brats." 

"And if you can't, I'll protect you." Jack said, nodding to himself.

"Just like I'll protect you." he said, smiling at him softly.

"What if I don't deserve to be protected? What if I'm like Lucifer like Dean said?"

He swore once he had Dean back he was going to knock some sense into the stupid man, even though he hadn't said it in a long time, those sorts of things stay with kids, long after the adult stops.

"Why do you think that?" he asked.

"Because...everyone always hates me when they first see me, maybe I don't deserve to be protected."

"I didn't." Sam said. Jack glanced up at him and slowly smiled at that revelation. "And it doesn't matter who your father was. You weren't born evil. And I think you're worth protecting. I always have."

"But sometimes you won't be able to protect me, like when Dean gets angry with me again." he muttered back. Sam wrapped his arms around his shoulder and placed a single kiss on his son's forehead.

He wasn't sure why he was doing it but it seemed natural to him, as easy as breathing.

"I promise you, no matter what I'll always keep you safe even if that means people won't like me very much. I'll always do it."

"Really?" he asked.

"I would never lie to you."

Jack smiled back and hugged him tightly, Sam can count how many hugs he's had with Jack on one hand, that's going to change. He swore he could hear his heart swelling about twelfth its size when Jack gave him a slight squeeze just like Cas does. But he hugs like him, he knew stories about kids who could pick up on their care giver's physical traits. But he hadn't seen it until now. That's when it finally hit him. The last few months have been Hell. Worrying over mom and Jack, scared to think about what could happen to them in that other world. 

He knew the level of worry and fear he had for Jack couldn't be normal, at least not for someone who wasn't his father, but Sam decided, as he watches a Star Wars marathon with him later that night, that his worry and fear were completely normal and when he was asked why, he'd tell them. 

_"Because he's my son."_


	2. Stay.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Jack's final hours, he never left his side. Not even once.

Jack ached, his body convulsed painfully as his cells fumbled through his blood stream. Fighting each other in their struggle to be the first to destroy him. He should be sad, he knows he should, he should be scared, terrified even. But he wasn't, he hasn't been for a while now. Since Rowena told them he was dying, he thought he wanted to live his life to the fullest in what little time he had left. But here? In his room surrounded by the people he loves the most? He can rest, knowing they won't let him die alone. It was a strange sort of gratefulness that he doesn't think anyone can understand until they're on death's door.

"Easy buddy." Sam said, rubbing his shoulder gently.

His chest burned as he coughed into the claustrophobic mask he set up beside his bed.

'It's to help you breathe Jack'

Sam had said when he complained about how horrible it felt.

'I know it doesn't feel nice, Hell. I hated these things too when I had to be put on it when I got really sick once. But it helps. I promise.'

So he had taken it even though he complained, because Sam would never lie to him, he never has and he never will.

"My chest feels like it's burning." he mumbled. His voice sounded disturbingly weak even to his ears.

"I know." Sam said. "Do you want me to get you any pain killers?"

"No...where's Cas and Dean?"

"They're out for a food run. They'll be back soon."

"Will you stay with me? Just until they get back? I...I don't want to be alone." he said, his cheeks were flushing pink even under his sweat.

"Really?" Sam asked, his blue eyes were incredibly soft, no judgement or mirth. Just...kindness and even a little love but that couldn't be right...could it?

He nodded back, blushing still. Sam gave him a soft sweet smile that always makes him feel safe, if he had to choose out of the three men who made him feel the safest, it'd definitely be Sam. It wasn't just because he was the tallest but there's always something about him that Jack knew would always keep him safe.

"Of course."

Jack smiled back brightly, or as brightly as he could considering he was quite literally withering away but he thought Sam would appreciate the gesture all the same.

"Can you tell me a story?" he asked. Sam chuckled and nodded.

"Sure, what story?"

"About one of your hunts?"

"I have one about a Woman in White. Wanna hear it?" he asked.

"I do..."

"Okay, well. I was at Stanford at the time, I lived with...with my girlfriend Jess-"

"What happened to her? Where's she now?"

"She...uh...she and I didn't really work out but we left on good terms and she was a good friend still."

"Okay." he said, nodding as Sam gently patted his hair.

He swore he didn't mean to lean into the touch but it felt so natural and nice. It had the feeling of safety that he had always linked to Sam. He was going to miss this when he passed on.

"Anyway, Dean had come to me for help because our dad was missing, he'd gone on a hunt about 3 weeks ago and he hadn't called him, not even a word. So, we went on the hunt-"

His voice trailed away as he falls asleep, the burning in his chest letting up even if it was only for a little while.

_He was in the church again, he hated this place, but he hadn't dreamed about it in months, he didn't really know why he was back here again. He watched in confusion as his ''father'' punches him. He could remember how woozy and scared he was, it was the first time he'd ever felt completely powerless._

_Sam got to his feet, he walked to Lucifer and pulled him away from him, his father turned and punched him so hard he went flying onto the cold cement gasping in pain. Trying to catch his breath._

_"Daddy Sammy to the rescue huh?" his 'father' asked._

_"Stop!" his own self yelled, getting to his feet. He winced as he rubbed his nose, remembering those punches all too well._

_"And why would I listen to you?" he demanded._

_"Because I'm your son."_

_It did something it never did before, it skipped ahead to when his 'father' was talking to Sam about him._

_"He's got a lot of blood on his hands." he said._

_"I don't care." Sam said, giving him a once over, checking him for any other injuries that he could see. "He's family."_

Jack opened his eyes, he turned to the side to see Sam sleeping on his bed, he doesn't think he ever left. He never does. Sam opened his eyes and blinked at him blearily. He promised him he'd always keep him safe.

"Hey kiddo." he said, smiling at him tiredly. "Sleep well?"

"Yeah. I did, thank you." he said.

Sam gave him a grin and patted his hand gently, he wondered if he should ask? Would he answer him?

"You don't have to stay with me you know." he began, deciding to approach the subject more delicately then he would've liked. "I won't die in an instant."

"I know. But I wanna stay."

"Why?"

"Because I don't wanna waste the little bit of time I have left with you. You're dying kiddo...not even a monster can take me away from you."

"Thank you."

"Always."

_What was I thinking? Going with Lucifer?_


	3. Nightmare.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack finds out that even people as strong as his dad get scared sometimes.

Jack didn't know what made him wake up that night. Or what compelled him to go to the kitchen in the first place. But he did. Maybe it was his grace, maybe it was that instinct that Castiel is always telling him about. Whatever it was it still led him here. The kitchen was draped in the soft light of dawn. Spilling over their little dining room with ease. Highlighting everything as it worms its way through their hanging curtains. At the table sat Sam. 

But he wasn't the Sam he knew. This Sam was hunched over. Almost doubled in on himself with his hair framing his pale and clammy face. His shoulders were shaking. Like he was crying but he couldn't hear anything. 

"Sam?" he called. His voice was groggy and hardly there from sleep. 

Sam turned to him and gave him a tired smile that might've fooled a lesser person but not him. He could see all his pretends now. 

"Hey kiddo. Everything okay? Have another nightmare about the bad woman?" he asked. Even though he was the one who seemed like he needed help. He always thought of him first. Everyone is always put first, he never asks for anyone’s help, he wonders if God had made him as tall as he was, just so he could handle the burden he puts on his shoulders. As if it made it any easier to carry. 

“I’m fine, I just felt like you needed me here.” he admitted, sitting across from him with a soft smile. 

“You don’t have to worry, I’m fine. I’ll always be fine.” Sam said, forcing his lips to curl up into a painful smile. 

“Do you know what I see when you lie to me?” he asked him, it was so sudden that shock registered on his face for a split second. 

“What?” 

“A mask, you always use the same one but it’s always for different reasons. You’re pretending you’re okay so that I can feel better because you love me and you want me to be okay. You’re so busy worrying about everyone else that you always forget about yourself.” Jack said, with wisdom far beyond his years leaking into his soft, well chosen words. 

“I have to. They’ve lost so much…” he muttered, his voice incredibly soft. 

“Doesn’t mean your pain should be overlooked either. Why are you so upset?” he asked, tilting his head to the side innocently. 

“You wouldn’t understand, it’s nothing that you need to worry about.” he said, shrugging back. 

“If it makes you sad then I do need to worry” he said, smiling as Sam clutched his hand gently, accepting his silent promise of safety and happiness. 

“It’s just...seeing him again today brought up a lot of buried memories that I’d rather forget." he said. His lips burst under the pressure of his teeth. 

"You were really scared of him. Weren't you?" Jack mumbled. Tightening the hold he had on his nimble fingers. 

"Sometimes. At night when I'm sleeping all those memories come rushing to the surface. Sometimes, it gets too much, the fire. The pain. All of it. Sometimes the fear is too much too." he said. 

"I'm sorry." he mumbled. 

"What for? You didn't do anything." 

"Because I feel like someone should. I don't think anyone's ever asked you what happened down there. Maybe you don't want to talk about it so no one ever asks. But Castiel says it's not good for you to do that." he said. 

"Well. Cas is right. A few years ago. Your father-" 

"He's not my father. He's some stranger who donated me his grace. You're my father. You and Castiel." 

Sam smiled and gently rustled his hair. He could see in his strange always changing eyes that everything he said meant more to him than words could possibly say.

"Yeah. I am." he assured him. "A few years ago. Lucifer wanted to jump start the apocalypse. He wanted to destroy everything when he won the battle against Michael. He, uh, he took over my body and made me kill so many people. People who I cared about. People that I would've died for. But I stopped him. Threw him back in the cage. And him and Michael were so angry and… My little brother was down there too. Did you know that?"

Jack shook his head. He felt like he shouldn't say anything. Just listen as he talks about something that he doesn't think even Dean knows. He was honored to an extent but he also had to wonder what happened down there that Sam had never talked about? The reason why he never wants to see him again? 

"I… I made them a deal, I said that they could do anything they wanted to me. Torture me, tear me, make me bleed as much as they wanted but they had to leave him alone. They had to send him back. And they did. They snapped their fingers and his soul disappeared. Finding its way back here. Though I've never had much luck finding him. Michael always came first. With his white hot knife. He would carve all these things into me. He had this game. Wanting to see what'd hurt me the most. He eventually found his favorite spots. Here." 

He began pointing at the inside of his elbows. Then to his shoulders before he gestured to his chest and knees. Jack nodded along. Not saying anything just listening. 

"But he wasn't the worst part. The worst part would be when Lucifer came. He always came at night. Always letting me know when he was there. Always…. Always waiting for me to figure out what was happening. It was a little game to him. His favorite toy." he said. His eyes were glazed over and looked as fragile as glass. 

"He's dead now. He won't hurt you again. Castiel and I will protect you." he said. He smiled as Sam gently rustled his hair again. 

"I know you will. But that doesn't stop the nightmares buddy." 

"Then how do we stop them? It's not fair that you have to suffer again and again." Jack said. Frowning deeply. 

"I know. But I'll be okay. Just give me a few minutes." 

"Then I'll stay with you. Make sure no monsters come."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know about you but I was re-watching season 7 to get ready for season 15 and something Hallucifer said concerned me deeply. "You're my little bitch in _every_ sense of the word." I don't know about you but I felt like the writers were heavily implying rape when they said that.
> 
> And if they were. It only makes how they handle Sam's trauma even worse in the later seasons. Lucifer was a sick, twisted mother fucker. And they're just gonna have Cas say "Just get over it?" no damn way. Sam deserves some peace.
> 
> So I gave it to him. Thanks for reading.


	4. Fear.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and John talk and bond over their shared experiences and Sam finally let's his barrier fall.

Sam stayed quiet as Dean and their dad talk to each other, he wasn't sure about what he wanted to say to him. I mean, what could you? Sure, he hadn't said goodbye to him, but he could still remember how frightened he use to be about getting his dad angry. He wasn't an expert but he doesn't think your kids should be scared of you. 

So, he forced himself to smile and left the first chance he got, heading towards the library, he picked up his parenting book, he opened it and began to look over them.

"Parenting?" his dad asks. Sam sighed, he should've known he'd follow him. He turned to him as he sat across from him. "You got a kid I don't know about?" 

"Uh...no." he said, shaking his head, though his heart ached as an image of Jack comes to mind. 

"Right, come on, Sammy, tell me the truth." he said, smiling at him gently. 

"Can I ask you something first?" he asked back. His dad nodded, showing him his unwavering attention. "How did you know?" 

"How did I know what?" he asked back. 

"How did you know that you became a dad with uh, Dean, with me?" he asked back. He blushed as his father hummed. "Know what? It's fine, it was a dumb question anyway-" 

"No, it wasnt't. The fact that you're even asking me that question means that you answered mine. First time fathers, they're always scared that they're doing something wrong, that they won't know their baby is, well, theirs. I was like that too, in the months leading up to your brother being born. I remember, I was terrified. All I could keep thinking was 'What if I mess up, what if they feel like I don't love them enough? What if they don't love me?'. Guess I failed a lot of my own questions huh?" he asked. 

"You didn't...fail." Sam said, shaking his head. 

"But I made a lot of mistakes, things I wish I could take back more than anything Sammy." he said, sighing. "I knew I was a father, uh, the first time one of you did something outrageously stupid." 

Sam laughed at that, remembering all those ridiculous things he and Dean could get up to in their motel rooms. 

"When Dean was three. Him, your mother and I had gone to the little park that was around the corner from our house. There was a lake, it went through the whole park. Anyway, we were having a picnic and your mother and I, we took our eyes off Dean for a second. Just a second but that's all it took. When I looked back he was on the edge of the bank. I don't think...in all my years of hunting monsters. Nothing has scared me more than seeing Dean by that bank. It was as if something broke in me. Before I knew it I was on my feet and I had taken him away from the bank. The funniest thing is, uh, I don't even remember running towards him. That's all blank, I just remember that all I could think about was getting him from that bank." he said. 

Sam nodded, had he ever felt that fear when it came to Jack? His mind crawled towards the memory of the church and how he had felt as he watched Lucifer backhand Jack, how he had felt when he heard his nose break as he fell to the tiled floor. When he heard his soft cries. 

The anger had come first, burning hot like the flames that Lucifer use to burn him alive with. It was like poison but he hadn't cared, all he could think about was that he had to get him away from the crying kid. The terror had always been there, seeing as he hoped he never had to see Lucifer again when he pushed him back as the rift closed. But the terror had been different, almost animalistic in the way it curled around his bones and spurned him into action. When he had grabbed Lucifer, he hadn't thought about what sort of twisted punishment he had in store for him, he hadn't thought about how much he would make him pay. He hadn't even cared that it'd been the devil he grabbed. All he could think about was that he wouldn't let him hurt Jack.

"You already know the answer, don't you?" his dad said, smiling at him softly. 

"But...I can't..." he said, the weight of those words landed on him like two ton weights. 

"Why?" he asked back. 

"Because...because...because I'm scared. Scared that I won't be a good father, scared that I'll abandon him...I...I'm scared dad." he admitted. "Scared that I won't be good enough for him, scared that I won't be able to protect him...scared I'll mess up...how can I be a father if all I am is a coward?" 

Dad smiled softly and nodded. 

"That's what having a child means Sammy, it means being scared twenty-four seven. But getting up and doing it anyway, it's the whole damn job description." he said. 

"And if I fail?" he asked, his face turning a ghostly shade of pale. 

"You won't. I know you won't. What's his name?" he asked. 

"What?" Sam asked, shocked. 

"Your son, what's his name?" he asked, waiting for his grandson's name. 

Sam picked up his phone and showed him the picture he had of him, Jack and Cas that Dean had taken on Father's day. John smiled as he takes in the little family. He pointed at him, he stood in between Sam and Cas grinning at the camera. 

"This him?" he asked. 

"Yeah, that's Jack." he said, smiling softly. Pride bloomed in his chest at the thought of their little family, he knew they weren't what you'd call a traditional family but he couldn't ask for a better one. 

"And the man beside him?" he asked. 

"That's Cas, he and I are sort of co-parenting." Sam explained. 

"You look happy Sammy, that's all I've ever wanted from you. And Jack? He looks like the happiest kid I know. You're doing a great job, better then I ever did." he said, smiling at him softly. 

"Really?" he mumbled, his dad nodded and handed it back to him. 

"He is. You don't have to be scared of not being able to do it. I know you. I know you can do this. Though it's gonna be hard sometimes, I mean the hardest thing, but you'll keep going, I know you will." he said. 

And for some reason that he couldn't really fathom, he believed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We had a little scene with Sam and John and we see how scared Sam is about failing his little nougat boy and how it's okay to feel like that. Listen I love Dean, I really, truly do, but honestly? He's more of an uncle to Jack then a father in my opinion anyway, that you're free to disagree with, respectfully. And being an uncle isn't a bad thing, sometimes it means you're closer to them then your own parents because you think they can understand you better. 
> 
> Okay? Thanks for reading.


	5. Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam finds out about the knife and decides to talk to Jack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Heads up: Trigger warning, this chapter talks about self-harm if you've been personally affected by these issues please read with caution.** _Trigger warning: This chapter has scenes of implied torture, manipulation and psychological abuse, if you've personally been affected by these issues. Please read with caution._

The words still ring around his head as he looks at the knife in his hands, bespeckled in blood. He tries to rain in his rage and his anger towards his brother, I mean, he tries so hard but he's only human. Though there's no point in arguing with Dean about it, even when they were younger he's never admitted to when he was wrong, never really learned how to deal with consequences he caused.

Sam places the knife down and gets to his feet, unsteady as they were. He wouldn't let this happen, not again, not after...after everything with Lucifer.

Memories are tricky things, he muses to himself, some memories wrap you up in a blanket of safety, whispering your sweetest memories in your ears. Then there's the ones you don't want to remember, the ones that flay you alive to the very essence of your soul, picking it clean and leaving it out to hang, drowning in your own tears and the forgotten traces of blood and pain. That never goes away, clinging to you like dust.

He remembers every one of his own, remembers each time the Devil had made him pick up the knife. Remembers how the pain was different, remembers all the 'crimes' he did to earn them. He remembered everything.

Sam took in a shuddering breath as the Devil's dark laughter whispered in the silence of the hallways, he ignored the shadows, he had to. If he looked, even for a moment, the friendly things would twist and turn, molding into his nightmares. Sometimes it's Michael with his burning knife but most of the time it's _him_. Sometimes it's Nick's face sneering at him from the shadows his blue eyes burning with hatred so vile even God wouldn't be able to look it in the eyes, other times it's his **true** face. The one he ingrained into his very being, smoking it into the darkest parts of him.

_"This is your fault, we could've been something great, you and me. And now look what you've done. Settle in there bunk buddy, because you are **never** leaving."_

Sam plunged his thumb into his scar, it itched from the familiar tick, breathing becomes easier then. The bunker's walls manage to ease in his realism, softly at first before the full weight of it crashed down on him. Lucifer's not here, he's trapped, he's safe. Jack's safe. That reason seems to ground him even more, keeping him anchored, he wasn't sure why really. He didn't want to question it either. Chuck knows how well that worked the last time.

He forced his foot to move in front of the other, feeling, strangely, as though he had two cinder blocks incasing his ankles. Or maybe they were chains, begging him to stop. To turn back, but he wouldn't. He couldn't. Not this, this he wouldn't let slide.

His hand shakes uncontrollably as he rapts it against the wooden beams. The blonde boy uncurled himself and turned around, his sweet eyes taking him in as if he was surprised he was there. Sam had to wonder if he even understood what he'd done.

"Hey." he greets, smiling at him, though it hurts his cheeks and his soul more so, as if _he_ doused it in acid all over again.

"Hey." he mumbled back, Sam steels his nerves and walks inside the room, he hadn't done much with it yet but he won't deny the flicker of pride that curled around his heart at the sight of his Luke Skywalker poster hung above his bed proudly. "So, Dean told me what happened."

"With the, um, knife?" he asked, biting his lips with his eyes watering, it hits Sam that Jack is barely a week old. He remembers how scared he use to be about upsetting Dean or dad. He sees that same fear, that same fear of disappointing a parent in Jack's eyes.

"It's okay." he said, smiling gently. "I promise I'm not angry, but I wanna talk to you about it, you think we can do that?"

"Yeah, I think so." Jack said, nodding back.

"Why? If you're okay with telling me." Sam said, Jack nodded back.

"Dean said...after he found me with the knife, he said that you thought that I could be saved, that you believe in me even though he thinks you shouldn't. He said that he knows I'll turn bad, turn out like Lucifer-" Sam hides his wince at that name. "-then...then he said that he'd be the one to kill me...I...there was just so much, too many things I was feeling, I thought...I thought the knife could help me, bleed them out of me. But it didn't work...it didn't even hurt that much, they're still in here. Sometimes it gets too much and I want to find the knife again but then Dean will get angry and hurt me like he does to Castiel...I don't want him to do that."

Sam nodded, listening to him carefully before he filed away how he was going to torch Dean when he gets his hands on him. A feral, fierce sort of anger had weeded into him, heading for the kill when it comes to his brother.

"And it's okay to feel that way, to feel like there's this evil inside of you that you can't get rid of. It's okay to feel like you have no one to turn to, to think you're alone and that you can't talk to anybody because they won't understand. To feel lost." Sam said, nodding his head. "But you're not. You're not evil, do you know what I see when I look at you?" he asked. He shakes his head, listening closely. "I don't see some monster, I don't even see Lucifer's son, all I see is you." Jack stared at him as if he was seeing him for the first time and at last his smile became less painted.

"And I know how you think that...that you think you're alone but...you're not. You're not alone, I'm here and I'll always be here, no matter what you need. I'm not going anywhere." he said, his voice the softest it's ever been. "You don't ever have to afraid to come and talk to me. I'll always listen. I promise."

"Even...even for Cookie Crunch?" he chanced. Sam laughed, shaking his head in amusement.

"Even for that. I know you stole an extra bowl by the way." he said, raising an eyebrow at him. Jack blushed with a grin on his face.

"I was hungry."

"And you couldn't have made a sandwich?" he asked, not minding as Jack rests his head on his shoulder, hardly noticing as he placed his own on his.

"It's not as tasty, besides some of the lettuce sucks ass." he muttered.

"You're not spending anymore time with Dean." Sam snorted back.

"Sam...I was scared when I hurt myself...scared that I'd hurt you...make you sad...I...it just got too much...I didn't want to disappoint you." he mumbled.

"You could never disappoint me." he mumbled back.

"Really?" he muttered.

"Really." he said, smiling as he pushes his head a little. "To be honest I kind of feel I'm the one disappointing you. Everyone always wants something else, you know? They just...they never want me for how I am."

He traced his oldest scar that _he_ had made him carve into himself, his words still echoed around his mind, poisoning him in every way it could.

_"Drag this little dagger here across your skin and saw it through to the bone. No one ever wants you Sammy, they like Dean, why wouldn't they? He's not the spineless, pathetic creature that you are. And where's your big bro now? Gone. Because no one gives a damn about you Sammy. No one ever has, no one but me and my children. Face it, princess. **We're all you'll ever have**."_

"You're enough for me." Jack whispered, clinging to his waist tightly. Sam closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around his son tightly, words seemed to fail him but he knows what he wants to say and he hugs him tighter for it.

"Now." Sam said, thumbing away his tears and his own after. "You need some sleep, you want me to sing again?"

"Could you?" he whispered back, extraordinarily shy.

"Yeah, of course."

Sam sat up from the bed before he took up his chair beside is bed that he uses to sing songs to him in Enochian that Michael seared in his brain. The Enochian version of 'Wayfaring Stranger' falls easily from him. Being Jack's favorite.

_"I'm just a poor Wayfaring Stranger. Travelling through, this world of woe. There is no sickness, no toil nor danger in that bright land to which I go._

_I'm going there to see my mother, she said she'd meet me, when I come. I'm just a-going over Jordan, I'm just a-goin over home._

_I know dark clouds, will gather round me, I know my way is rough and steep but beautious fields, lie just before me where God's redeemed, their vigils keep._

_I'm going there to meet my father, I'm going there no more to roam. So I'm just a-going over Jordan, I'm just a-going over home._

_I'll soon be free from earthly trial, this body rests in the ol' churchyard, I'll drop this cross of self-denial and go singing home to God._

_I'm going there to see my savior. I'm going there no more to roam. I'm just a-going over Jordan, I'm just a-going over home."_

Sam grinned softly, that song always puts Jack straight to sleep, it wouldn't of been his first choice, but still. Sam stands up and kisses his head softly.

"Night, son."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. This was a pretty heavy chapter for our poor moose, I hope the talk was okay, I've researched about self-harm before writing this chapter as I wanted to be sure it was as respectful as it should've been. Anyway thank you for reading. Who's ready for episode 14 on Thursday? Because I'm not. I'm excited and terrified all at once.


	6. Talk.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the events of 15x14, Jack wants to talk with his dad....he means Sam.

Jack hated when he got nervous, it was like all his cells were on fire with anxiety. He had to admit when he was soulless, he hadn't missed this emotion, it just got too much sometimes. But he had to do this, he needed to know if dad- he meant Sam forgave him. He knows Dean's trying to and he's grateful for it, but it's Sam he really cares the most about, him and Cas. He wondered if that made him bad? That he needed Sam and Cas to forgive him more than Dean. He supposed that's a question for another day. Sam was flicking through one of the old journals not paying much attention to anything. 

"Sam?" he called out hesitantly, Sam glanced up and gave him a smile that had always put him at ease, a smile that promised him that he'd be safe. 

"Hey kiddo." he greets, his shoulders sagged in weariness, for the first time he noticed how tired his dad...Sam looked. 

"Can we talk?" he asked, biting his bottom lip worriedly. 

"Yeah, of course. You don't need to ask. There something you're worried about?" he asked, nodding to the chair opposite him. 

"Kind of...I'm worried about a lot of things." he admitted, the familiar promise of no judgement or anger hanging in the air. "I'm worried about the fight with God. Terrified...really." 

"I know you are, who could blame you? I mean, you're going up against God, I don't know if I think you were human if you weren't scared." said Sam, laughing slightly. Jack smiled weakly back. 

"What if I die? What if he wins? What does that mean for the world then?" he asked, his brows furrowed. 

"Can I tell you a secret?" he asked, leaning forward as Jack nodded back.

"Sure." he said. 

"If God wins, I won't be thinking about the world." he said, smiling softly. 

"What would you be thinking about?" Jack asked, raising an eyebrow. 

"I'd be thinking about how I'm going to rip him apart for murdering you all over again. But that won't happen, because you're going to win." Sam said. 

"How can you believe that? Hold on to all that hope?" he asked back. "I'm the one who's suppose to do it and even I don't think I can." 

"Because it's the only thing I have. I won't be able to handle it if you're killed again." Sam said, his eyes turning glassy and unreadable. 

"Why? I'm a...I'm a monster. Lucifer's my father-" Jack began but Sam snapped his eyes to him and a sneer comes on his face, had he said something wrong? 

"You're not a monster. Don't ever think that. Mrs. Butters, she didn't know you. If she had she would've realized that you're nothing like him. And he's not your father." Sam declared, Jack narrowed his eyes at him in confusion. 

"He...gave birth to me...?" Jack said, trying to remember if he'd missed something in that biology book Sam helps him read sometimes. 

"That doesn't mean anything, he hurt you, tried to turn you into something you're not. That's not a father that's an abuser. It's easy to get them confused sometimes. A father, is someone who teaches you things, who helps you and who makes you feel loved." Sam explained. Jack had a feeling that he was talking about himself as much as he was Jack. 

Jack nodded, rolling over this new information in his mind, before he smiled softly, nodding. 

"So, you're saying that you're my father? You and Cas?" he asked. 

"You're our kid. You're not a monster, you're not evil, you're not cruel and you're _definitely_ not Lucifer's son." he said. 

"When I...when I...killed...Mary and even after did you still think that?" Jack asked, staring at the table, not daring to meet his dad's eyes, he couldn't stand it if he hated him like Dean. 

"Why would you think I'd ever stop?" he asked back, smiling softly at him. 

Jack smiled back and stood up, hugging his dad tightly. Sam's hugs had always been the ones that made him feel the safest. Sam stroked the back of his hair and Jack allowed his eyes to flutter closed just for a moment. Letting himself have this small ounce of comfort, that might be their last for a while. But he didn't think about that. 

"I'm scared dad, I'm so scared." he mumbled into his shoulder. 

"I know. It's okay. I'm here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen, after tonight's episode I needed another talk between Sam and Jack. Like, I don't know about you lot but I think this episode just cemented the fact that no matter what people say. Jack is Sam's son first. When he was suspicious about Mrs. Butters, he immediately calls for Sam and Sam alone, throughout all the episode where they were celebrating the holidays Jack chose to sit closest to Sam even when they were carving pumpkins. In the end when the boys were trying to talk the nymph down, Sam begged her to stand down because hurting Jack would hurt him. While Dean chose to use the 'Save the world card'. He looked to Sam all throughout the episode when he wasn't sure about something...my little heart can't take it. 
> 
> I love SPN but I feel like Jack and Sam get pushed to the side a lot to highlight Jack and Dean. I'm sorry if you guys see it this way but I just...after everything Dean did to him in season 13, I can't ever see him as Jack's father. Anyway, thanks for reading.


	7. Here.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack has a nightmare and like all kids, he immediately wants to find his dad to make it all go away.

He found that he didn't like the dark, he wasn't sure when he started hating it but he knew it had to of been around the time when Michael captured him again on a mission. The Dark Place had been cold, lifeless and seemed to suck all his energy out of him. He could hear the wolves he kept as pets too, could hear them baying for his blood. He couldn't remember ever being more scared then he was in those days. They dragged on to, as if some asshole decided to slow down time just to torture him. But lately instead of just those nightmares, he saw his family around him dead. It's almost enough for him to choke on air. 

He had seen Sam tonight and he had to make sure he was okay, even if he was only sleeping, he couldn't go back to sleep without knowing his dad was safe, besides even if he was sleeping his dad would make it better, he always does. Jack peered into Sam's room from where his door was open just a crack, he always leaves it open at night, he never did know why. He's hunched over, looking over some papers for a case to go on. He looks so tired, Jack wondered why he wouldn't sleep when that happens since he hates when Jack does it. Maybe the rules are different for Sam, he couldn't help how annoyed that made him, it just didn't seem fair.

"Jack?" Sam called, turning around to face him, he jumped back from the door not expecting him to find him. Sam opened the door and gave him a soft smile "What are you doing up? You okay?" 

"Sorry, I had a bad dream and I...I wanted to see you." he said, ignoring the heat going to his face and the thoughts whispering to him that he was much too old for something like this. 

"Okay, I was just about to go to bed, why don't you stay with me tonight?" he asked. Jack blinked and a slow smile appeared on his face. 

"Really?" he whispered.

"Yeah, come on." he said, nodding for him to follow him.

"Cas isn't with you tonight?" Jack mumbled. 

"Oh, he'll be coming later, he'll probably be here when you wake up." he said, smiling. 

Jack lets all his fear roll off his shoulders, Sam has his chin resting on his head. _Safe._ seemed to roll off his dad. 

"Sam?" he mumbled, forcing his tears back as Sam sleepily hummed back. "What if I go there again? What if I wake up in the Dark Place?" 

"You won't because I'm here, just remember that you're safe, I would never let anything hurt you and neither would Cas." he said. 

"Do you promise?" 

"I do. Good night, kiddo." 

"Night, dad." 

Sam's eyes shot open at those words and he chanced a glance at the sleeping nephilim but he was already passed out. _Dad...he called me dad..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This totally happened at some point and you can pry the head canon from my cold dead fingers. Should I tag this Sastiel? I mean, it's not really present but like there's a lot of stuff that implies it if you squint at it. I admit not my intention seeing as I see them more as brothers but...eh...


	8. Family.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How I wish 15x15 would've gone with Sam talking with Cas and Jack. Finally.

Sam flicked through his book, glad to finally relax. He hasn't read in a long time, he mused with a half smile. He missed how calming it could be, running off to live in your imagination. His trained ears pick up Cas's soft steps and the whisper of his wings trailing on the ground. After being together for so long, he knows his footsteps as well as he knows his own.

"Sam?" the familiar gravelling voice called, Sam turned to him and gave him a smile but it froze seeing his down trodden expression. "We need to talk."

"Sure, come on in." Sam said, placing his book on his night stand. _It was starting to get good too._

"Thank you." he said, sighing, he takes up the other side of the bed. "I'm going away for a while."

"Again?" Sam asked, he didn't mean for it to come out as blunt as it did. "Guess you remembered to say goodbye this time."

His words tasted like aluminum foil as they rolled off his tongue, his knuckles cracked from the pressure of his fury. He knows he and Dean have a more 'profound bond' than him and Cas. But don't they realize that Cas is Sam's friend too? Doesn't anyone realize how important he is to him?

"You're angry with me." he said, stating the obvious.

"Yeah, I am Cas. I'm...I'm pissed." he said, his chest was heaving from all the words he had kept bottled up inside him. "You're leaving again and if you didn't have something to tell me you probably would've left without a word to anyone but Dean! Dean isn't the only person here who cares about you! Don't you ever think even for a second how it feels for your best friend to just leave as if you don't matter? As if you're not worth explaining to? What am I suppose to tell Jack when he asks me where you are?"

"Tell Jack that I'll be home soon. And this isn't about you or me. I'm doing this for Jack." Cas said, keeping his infuriating calm.

"That's funny." drawled Sam, glaring at his best friend in so much anger and hurt that he's surprised he still has so much left in him. "Because from where I'm standing, it seems like the exact opposite. But uh, who cares right? We're not Dean."

"What's that suppose to mean?" Cas asked, hurt and angry. _Join the club._

"All anyone ever seems to care about is Dean, oh? I'm going away for a while it's possible that I won't come back and very possible I'll die? Better make sure Dean's okay. But what about Sam and Jack? Oh! It's okay! They'll just have to deal with it, won't they!?" Sam snapped.

He knows it seems childish to let all his pent up anger and frustration with Cas out on his brother but he couldn't help it. He was the issue linked to anger the most.

"You think I don't care about you and Jack the way I care about Dean?" he asked, his brows furrowed. "How could you think that?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that you left without saying goodbye, without telling me where you were going. All because of some stupid fight with Dean. I lost Rowena, I lost Jack. _We_ lost Jack and I needed you. You more than anyone. I know you needed time to yourself, to grieve and I would've helped you. Because you're family Cas! We're a team! When did being a team mean I was pushed to the side for you two?" he asked, letting all his tears fall, he was so tired...tired of all the pain, he just wanted it gone.

Cas licked his lips before nodding, his own tears falling though the fallen angel would never admit that to anyone, he couldn't remember when he first cried, maybe it was when he thought he had lost Sam in that mine in apocalyps world or when Dean told him that he couldn't stay here with Gadreel possessing Sam. He just knew it'd been one of the worst days of his long life. But he'd relive that pain over and over again if it meant the feeling of his heart being weighed down would end.

"I...I am so sorry." Cas said, every word dug another dagger into his heart. "I never...I never meant to hurt you, especially not so deeply. I didn't say goodbye to you because I couldn't. I can't say goodbye to you Sam because it's final, it would mean that I would never see you again and I couldn't...I couldn't live with that. I left because Dean...he needed time to calm down and me being there hurt him, I thought if I stayed away that you'd hurt less too. But I see that was a mistake."

"No matter what happened, no matter who would've died even if it had actually been your fault or Jack's, no pain, no thing, no sadness. _Nothing_ is worth losing you two." he said.

"I'm so sorry that I have to leave again, if there was another way I would take it. I don't want to leave either." he said.

"Then stay." Sam said, his voice broke, fracturing under his pain.

"I can't. To kill God and Amara, Billie's turning Jack into a bomb and when the time's right, he'll kill them but he has to die too. Jack is our son and I can't let him die." Cas said.

"What?" Sam asked, the only words registering being 'Jack' and 'die'.

"He needs to die too." he said.

Sam dragged his hand down his scuffy five o'clock shadow, his mind racing a thousand times a minute. No. I won't lose him again.

"No." Sam said.

"I know, that's why I need to leave but I will come back, I will come back to Jack and to you. I promise." Cas said.

Sam pulled Cas into a hug, holding onto him as if he might disappear, he feels his soft wings under his calloused fingertips, his tears dampen his trenchcoat but he doesn't care, he doesn't think Cas does either.

"I'm so sorry." he mumbled softly.

"It's okay. It wasn't your fault." Sam said, his anger finally seeped away, leaving him to cling to bittersweet joy. "I'm sorry too."

Cas breathed in deeply, before he pulled back to give him one last smile. Sam's room seems to drop by 10 degrees now the hum of grace is gone, leaving him to the cold, unforgivingness of his room that had never felt more empty.

===

Sam smiled at Jack as he walks into the kitchen the next day, Jack smiled back, though Sam's heart hurt at the hesitance in his smile, he knows it's his fault too.

"Jack." he called, once he sees his son about to leave, he turned back, raising an eyebrow at him. "Can you sit down? I just...uh...I wanna talk to you for a second."

Jack nodded, placing his healthy cereal in front of him, knowing Sam wouldn't like it if he ate Cookie Crunch first thing in the morning. He smiled amused, his son knew him well.

"I wanna...I wanna talk to you about the box." he said, Jack's eyes widened and he looked down at his bowl, finding the milk incredibly interesting.

"What about?" he mumbled.

"I wanna say that...I am so sorry." he said, knowing the tears would come before they fall.

"What?" Jack asked.

"I am so, so sorry. You...I don't know if it'd help any but putting you in that box...I...it was the most painful thing that I have ever done. And I have never...never stopped regretting it." he said, thumbing away his tears.

"Then why did you do it? Why did you...why did you give up on me?" he asked. His voice breaking.

"I didn't give up on you, I never gave up on you. But when you...when mom died I thought I had failed you, it seemed easier to...lock the failure away. I shouldn't have done that. I told you that I would always be there for you and I failed miserably. Nothing I could say would ever make that right. But I'd like to try, if you'll let me." he said.

"That's all I've wanted since I came back. I just...I wanted to be family again. I've wanted you to forgive me." he said.

"I already did, a long time ago." Sam said.

Jack breathed in shakily before he wrapped his arms around him tightly. Sam smiled softly into his hair, the tension between them letting up for the first time in days.

"I love you, Sam."

"I love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam needed this chapter as did Jack. So I gave it to them. Yeah, I changed my mind, Cas's becoming a huge part of this little fic of mine. Thanks for reading!


	9. Coda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of 15x16.

Sam wretched open the door and stormed into the bunker leaving Dean in the dust, his calls fall on deaf ears. His rage was burning in the bowels of his belly, he couldn't remember the last time he'd been so angry that it hurt. He supposed that he just hadn't had a reason but now? Now it's back in full force ready to make his powers thrum back to life even if he buried them down. Jack glanced up from where he sat in the library. His heart froze in his chest as he looked at him. Everything they've ever done coming soaring to the surface. It all flashed before his eyes, playing out like a movie in his mind. 

"Sam?" he asked, his voice cutting through the memories. "Sam, are you alright?" Dean stopped on the bottom step waiting for his reaction. 

"Yeah Jack." he said, forcing himself to smile, his son looked so torn down and he could finally see the weight on his shoulders, the way he refused to look Dean in the eye. "I'm okay, hey, I was thinkin' about a movie. You wanna watch?" 

"Yeah!" he said, smiling at him broadly before he put the book away and ran to his room, already getting up Netflix. Dean made to follow but Sam grabbed his shoulder and hauled him back. 

"You're not coming." he stated, his voice was ice cold and he couldn't help the utter rage and betrayal that leaked into his words.

"Sam--" he began but he cut in, he didn't care if he broke his heart, he'd already broken his, thousands of times before this. 

But not telling him about Jack? About how he's going to lose him again? It was worse than those thousands of years in the cage. It was worse than all those times he and dad told him to never come back. It was worse than knowing how he had wanted to replace him with that siren, so long ago now. It was worse than when he blamed him and hated him for moving on without him even though he'd done the exact same thing. There was a lot of things Sam could forgive. But this? Not this.

"I want to spend time with _my_ son before he goes on a suicide mission to kill God. You think you can give me that, Dean? You think you can give me a chance to show my suicidal _child_ how much he means to me?" he asked. 

"Do you think Jack doesn't mean as much to me as he does you? Do you think I want this? Don't you know he's my kid too?" he asked. 

"No, Dean. I know you do. And he's not your kid. He's a tool to you." he sneered. 

"How can you say that, man?" Dean asked, his face crumbling. But he couldn't find it in him to even be sorry. 

"YOU DON'T LET YOUR KIDS DIE FOR YOU! You _fight! Fight for them!_ Because the idea of living in a world without them....it's worse than dying. It's torture! I will not lose him again. Do you hear me, Dean? I won't. If that means that Chuck destroys this world, then I'll let it burn." he said. 

"You...you don't mean that." he said, shocked. 

He turned away from his brother, his silence more powerful than his words, Jack was mindlessly flicking through the movies available. His tongue poked out in concentration, his mind playing out all the options. He sat down beside him and got a blinding smile before he focused on the TV again. Sam pointed at a movie that he knew he'd love. 

"That one." 

" ''How to train your dragon'' is it good?" he asked, turning to him. 

"Yeah, it is. You're gonna love it. I know you will." he said. 

Jack nodded and pressed play, immediately upon the opening shot he's emmersed, wide eyed and curious as Toothless and Hiccup's story begins to unfold. The tale of the feriocious night fury and the scrawny viking.

"That was a really good movie." Jack mused as the credits roll. 

"Yeah, one of my favorites, I watched it after I got my soul back. It, uh, it helped me, a lot." he said. 

"How?" Jack asked, tilting his head to the side.

"It reminded me that not all monsters do monstrous things." he said, turning and smiling at him softly. "That even monsters can be good. And seeing this boy, do everything in his power to save someone that everyone else gave up on, I don't know. It meant a lot to me." he said. 

"How could you be a monster? You're the best person I know." 

"Not always. I've done a lot of things. Things that I'm not proud of. Things that hurt people. A lot of people gave up on me too. Thought I was evil because of something I couldn't control." he said. 

"Why would they think that?" he asked. 

"Because they didn't understand me or how I worked. And when people don't understand something, especially people or things, they get scared and when they get scared, they get angry. They make calls that they shouldn't. They shoot first when they should ask questions." 

"...I heard you and Dean, earlier, did Cas tell you?" he asked. Sam scoffed. 

"No. Apparently, my feelings don't matter." he muttered. 

"Please don't be sad Sam, this's how it's meant to be. I can make this right, you can forgive me. You'll be happy, God won't control you anymore." he said. 

"Jack. I forgave you a long time ago." he said, shaking his head. 

"How? How could you forgive me for that?" 

"Because I know you. I know how sorry you are. I know you didn't mean it." he said. 

"I am...I never...I tried to bring her back..." 

"I know. That's why I forgave you, you did your best, you tried to right your wrong." 

"But it didn't work..." 

"It doesn't matter if it didn't work, the point is you tried." Sam said, he took in a shuddering breath, taking a chance to look out the window, steeling his nerves. "Jack, I need you to hold on. I need you to fight against this plan. You need to stop this." 

"No, I can't. I need to make it right. Besides, I wasn't even suppose to exist. I'm just an abomination." 

"No, you're not. You...you have no idea how broken your death would make Cas and I." he mumbled. 

"Why?" he asked, not believing him in the slightest. 

"Because I love you. I love you so much. You're my son. And...and...Jack...I can't imagine a world without you. Cas and I...we don't care about free will, all we need is you. Not because you're powerful, or you're invincible. Cas and I need you because you're our boy and we would do anything for you. We need you." Sam said. 

Jack stared at him with his eyes shining before he wrapped his arms around his waist. Sam placed his cheek on his son's hair and held him as close as he dared. The weight of him kept him grounded and allowed him to remember that he was here. His son wasn't gone, not yet. It made him even more determined to find another way. 

"Dad...I don't want to die." he mumbled. Sam stroked the back of his head gently and allowed more tears to fall. 

"I know...we'll find another way. We will, son. I promise." he tilted his eyes up to see Castiel standing in the doorway, his own eyes glimmering with his cheeks already glittering. 

" _We_ promise." Cas corrected, walking inside and taking up the other side of the bed and wrapping his wings around both him and their son. "We're not losing you, not again." 

Sam allowed him to comfort Jack but seeing him awoke all sorts of anger that he chose to keep inside, just until Jack was sleeping and then he was going to rip Castiel a new one for telling Dean before him. 

"I love you...I love the both of you." Jack mumbled. 

"As we love you." Cas muttered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Dean as much as the next person but I've noticed that the show tends to sweep his mistakes under the rug and drag Cas, Sam and Jack for theirs. But you know what? I didn't forget writers, I didn't forget what a piece of trash he could be, that they could all be. And God damn, Sam deserved to go off on him like that at the end. You don't keep a child dying from their parent and expect them to shut up about it. That's not how it works Dean. 
> 
> Sam deserves better than what the show gave him this season, though I'm enjoying it so far. I'm still furious about the complete lack of anything from Sam. He had one plot line that was wrapped up within the first half. Not cool. Also, I don't trust Billie in the slightest, she's borderlining on manipulation with Dean in that diner scene and next week she's gonna go after Sam and Cas if the trailer is anything go by.
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading. I'm hoping the show give me some wholesome co-parenting dads next week with Sam and Cas, though I doubt it.


	10. Baby.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rowena decides to have a little fun with the little angel and his fathers but she's doing this for them...no, really....she is.

"Rowena." Sam began pinching his nose in frustration, he had a habit of doing that. "What have you done to him?"

"Well, it's not like the wee lad didn't know what he was getting into boys. He agreed to have the spell tested on him." she said, shrugging with a grin for Jack who giggled back, hiding his mouth with meaty fists.

"You turned our son into some sort of squealing pig?" Castiel asked, blinking at her in bemusement.

"Not a pig, dear. A baby! Consider it a parenting lesson as well as a unbinding one for Samuel, considering he's my apprentice in all but name." she said, shrugging.

"What?" he demanded, his jaw dropping. "You're not even going to teach me how to do it!? We've got twenty armed hunters in this place, we can't have a baby running around, he could get hurt."

"I believe in teaching on the job as you perfectly well know, Samuel. Now! I'm off! Good luck boys!" she said, placing Jack in his arms before she disappeared.

"Rowena!" Castiel shouted, Sam flinched at the harshness in his friend's voice though he knew he'd never hurt him.

Jack jumped too and huddled into his flannel sobbing, Sam shushed him and held the baby closer to his bare shoulder, remembering how his parenting book said that babies liked skin to skin contact. At the time it seemed pretty useless but now? Well, he's laughing, isn't he?

"What's wrong with him? Is he sick?" Cas asked, his eyes wide as he comes over to examine him too.

"No, you just frightened him a little." he explained. "Was daddy being silly?" he asked the six month old baby who had looked up from his shoulder and stared at him in awe, letting his tears dry. "Did he make a big noise that scared you?" he whispered. He nodded, his lips wobbling

"Okay. No more. I promise." Cas said, running his hands over the back of his head. Baby Jack wiggled around in his arms, stretching them out for Castiel who carefully took him in his arms, looking like he's afraid that he'll break him. "It's okay, I have you." he mumbled, placing the baby's head on his shoulder and covering his head slightly.

Sam would've stayed in their library for the rest of eternity if he could've to relive that moment, again and again. But he realized as Cas wrapped his trenchcoat around their baby that he was going to need things, considering he had no idea how to break the spell or even really where to begin, who knows how long he'll be like that?

"Cas." Sam called, he felt awful as he cut through his best friend's peace. "We need to go out."

"Why?" he asked, his brows raised in disbelief.

"Because we need to buy him things unless you want to clean up his poop and pee without a diaper that is..." Cas stared at him in horror as he forced that image into his mind.

"Diapers." he said, nodding.

"And clothes." he said, raising a brow at him in disbelief.

"Right! Clothes, we'll need a crib too! And a car seat for the Impala and blankets...this is all going to be very expensive." he muttered.

"Yeah and we better get started if we want to get him things before lunch time." he said, sighing.

"We're not leaving him here are we?" Cas asked, rushing after him as he heads to the basement where he had seen baby clothes, granted they might've been...several years old but they'd have to do until they got to the store.

"No! Especially not around weapons, we'll bring him with us." he said.

"What if he starts crying and we don't know how to stop it? Do you think they'll take him away!?" Cas asked, his blue eyes were wide.

"Cas, breathe dude, it's okay. They won't take him away and besides I don't know what you're worrying about, you seem to have the whole thing down." he said, smiling in amusement as Cas instictively rubbed circles into their son's back.

"Really?" he asked, looking increasingly vulnerable.

"I wouldn't lie to ya, Cas, especially about Jack. Come on, the clothes are down here."

*

Castiel smiles lightly at Jack as he plays around with his talking teddy bear he and Sam bought to keep him preoccupied. He was biting the bear's ear and seemed to really love him.

"Hey Jack." Sam whispered to his son, who glanced his way with wide, innocent eyes that Cas never knew he'd miss until Michael had taken it all away. He was holding out a box of ' _Kaylee & Ryan Circle Bead Maze_' for him to see "How about this?"

Jack laughed and clapped his hands happily, nodding his head so hard his hair was flopping up and down.

"Good choice." he said, smiling as he places it safely in their rather overflowing shopping cart.

"Oh, your son's gorgeous." a woman said, smiling crookedly at Jack who babbled back excitedly, happy to see a new face. "What a shame it is for him to grow up with parents like you."

Castiel's brows disappeared into his hairline as he flicked his eyes up to meet hers, terribly confused. Sam placed down a bottle warmer in their cart with a glare on his face.

"I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don't know what you mean." he said.

"Oh, it's hardly his fault that he'll be growing up with men tainted by sin like you." she said, shrugging. "I mean if you ask me it's child abuse."

"1. Thou shalt have no other Gods." Sam began, placing another bottle in the cart. "2. No graven images or likeness."

"3." Cas added on as the woman stared at them in confusion not really understanding what they were saying, Cas wasn't sure he understood either but he couldn't let Sam do it alone. "Thou shall not take the Lord's name in vain. 4. Remember the Sabbath day."

"5. Honor thy father and mother. 6. Thou shalt not kill." Sam added on.

"7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. 8. Thou shalt not steal." he said.

"9. Thou shalt not bear false witness. 10. Thou shalt not covet. So, tell me. Seeing as you're such a God faring person, where in all those rules that God gave does it say that we can't be together or that we're sinful?" Sam asked.

The woman had no answers, she stood there gaping like a fish before she managed to find some sort of words.

"It's unnatural."

"To you, maybe but not to us and certainly not to God. Pull your head out of your ass and fast forwards yourself to 2017, no one gives a damn about your homophobic views, you got nothing nice to say then go bother someone else." he said, waving a hand at her as if he was shooing away a fly.

"Sam. Have I ever told you how much I respect you?" Cas asked, smiling as they walked up to the cash register.

"No, but I guess today's as good as any to start." he said, chuckling softly.

*

Sam rubbed Jack's back, something was hammering away at his skull as his son continued to cry his little heart out.

"Hey, shush, it's okay. It's okay. I've got you...dad...dad's got you Jack, shush." he whispered to him. Jack whimpered, pulling at the back of his flannel incessantly. Sam could almost feel tears building, he didn't know what he wanted, why was he so bad at this? So very tainted? "Please buddy, it's okay. What's wrong? What do you need?"

Jack couldn't give him his answers and even if he tried the only thing that came out was a babble of nonsense that nobody, not even angels could make much sense of. Dean had told him that when he was a baby the only thing that could calm him down was a song. So at the end of his tether he clung to that piece of nostalgia, and sang the first thing that came to mind.

" _Goodnight, goodnight it's time now to sleep. The moon's watching over you and your dreams._ " Jack's soft hiccups paused as he listened to the soft melody, his vocal chords hummed with the familiar notes even though he hadn't sang it in a while. " _Goodnight, goodnight my sweet little one. Tomorrow your eyes they will light up the sun._ " his tears stop and he can feel the edges of his lashes fluttering along his bare shoulder. " _But goodnight, goodnight sweet dreams for now. Drift off to sleep on your pillow of clouds. Goodnight, goodnight, my sweet little friend. Tomorrow's adventures will soon begin. Tomorrow's adventures will soon begin._ "

Sam smiled softly as the baby's breaths ease out, he slowly took him off his shoulders and placed him safely in the crib they had set up in his room. Seeing as he spends most of his time in here anyway, Sam gently picked up the knitted blue blanket that'd quickly become his favorite and pulled it up to his chin so he'd be warm. He wanted to be selfish, he wanted to have him be the baby he's meant to be, even if it's just for a little longer, once he found out how to reverse the spell, but he knew he couldn't. His son wasn't meant to be a baby even though he wished more than anything for that to be the case.

At least he had today and tonight. Sam smiled gently and closed his eyes, his son's soft breaths being his own lullaby and for the first time in months. His dreams weren't plagued by nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not ready for episode 17, okay? I'm terrified for Sam and Cas. So I added a baby one shot to help with the therapy that'll be coming once episode 17 airs. Thanks for reading! Hopefully you found it as adorable as I did. Oh, yes and I couldn't help myself when pointing out the hypocritical view of a lot of religious homophobes. Like, prove to me your views have some sort of stance. You can't? Then children shouldn't speak about things they don't understand. Anyway, thanks for reading!


	11. Marvin.

Jack gasped, doubling over and clutching his stomach, it seemed like his insides were being torn to bloody shreds, he's aware of his fathers and Dean beside him. But his skin burns where they touch him.

"Jack!" that's Sam's voice but it sounds so far away through all this blinding pain, he clutches his stomach as another knife plunges itself inside him.

"Jack!" Castiel...is it too much to want them to hold him a little longer? He wants his dads...

"Help me" he thinks he says but he's not sure, all he knows is pain and it's burning hot.

"Boys." that's Billie. Is she here to watch him die? Or make it worse?

"Make it stop!" he hears his dad say, but he hasn't moved from where he's kneeling beside him. "Stop it now!"

"Sure, I can fix it. Though it's gonna cost ya, I fix your boy there and you help me take over, sounds fair. Doesn't it?."

"Or, how about you fix Jack or I'll evaporate you out of existence?" he asked back. He could hear the remnants of Lucifer's influence deep in his voice, the anger, the pain, the hatred and he could tell it was close to boiling point.

"You could do that but without me, you'll never be free, you'll be stuck in this hamster wheel for the rest of your life." she said.

"Yeah, at least then we don't have a messed up bitch running things." he hissed. He doesn't think he's heard Sam curse before, or maybe he does but he always makes sure he doesn't hear. It's such a simple thing to do, he's read about parents censoring themselves around their children. He supposed dying isn't so bad now, knowing Sam still sees him as his son, right to the very end.

"Hold on, what if she's right? What if she can help us?" Dean asks. Cas turns to him at the speed of light, he can hear his trenchcoat swishing.

"You. Don't you say anything or I'll kill the both of you."

"She can't." he hears his dad spit after he lets his other dad's threat lay heavily in the air. "She doesn't know magic, she doesn't know how to stop this. But I do. Cas help me."

He's picked up by his other dad and immediately he shuffles into the warmth his trench coat gives, he wants to scream as another violent shudder runs through him. But he won't, his dads are worried enough as it is. They don't need him screaming to remind them how much pain he's in. Dad places him on the covers and he listens as they shuffle around the room, gathering papers, books and spells. He can hear them whipping through the still air, he can hear the muted argument down the hall with his uncle and Billie but other than that all he hears is how quickly his intestines are twisting together, getting torn apart by the light building inside him, twisting him up. He can't hold in the scream now, it's loud too, he knows it is. It seems to engulf him completely.

"Sh, Jack." Cas whispers, gently pulling his hand through his curls, tears are falling down his face, the salty substance dampening his cheeks, making his skin burn as it convulses yet again. "It's okay, your dad's going to fix you. Give him a second, he's looking. Hold on Jack. Please hold on. We're not going to lose you, not again."

"It...it hurts...make it stop...it's burning me...please." he whimpers, twisting and writhing.

"I know, I know it hurts. Just a little longer."

"Hey Jack." the voice of Marvellous Marvin whispers beside him as his dad passes it into his waiting arms "It's okay, your dad's coming back in a second but he left me behind to keep you safe."

Jack chuckled weakly pulling the teddy bear closer to his face, his fur is warm against his chin and smells like Sam, somehow that makes it instantly better.

"I'm right here, it's okay." the bear whispers his dad's message to him softly "I'll scare all the monsters away"

"E-eh-eve-even uh-ah-in muh-m-my du-duh-dreams?" he whispers to him softly.

Remembering the game he use to play with his bear when Dean had been taken by Michael and his dad had had to get up early that morning. But he always made sure he had his bear, he never left without making sure.

" _So you know that I'm here even when I can't be. I'm not leaving you, I promise._ "

"Even from your dreams." it murmured back "I'll always be here for as long as you'll have me. You're okay Jack, I'll protect you, I promise."

"I love you." he mumbled.

"I love you too."

New tears are falling on his hair now, he doesn't know whose they are, he doesn't know much of anything anymore. He thinks he hears someone chanting but he can't be sure. Maybe the Empty will let him in Heaven, just to see his mom once more..

*

Castiel turns to Sam unnerved as Jack finally closes his eyes.

"Is he-?" he began but Sam cut in, shaking his head softly.

"No, he's okay. Just sleeping, the spell's working, look." he said, gesturing to him.

Castiel watched morbibidly fascinated as their son's face gently eases out while his wounds begin to close again, letting new skin grow over the cracked one. He smiled softly as he sees Jack hold onto his bear just a little tighter.

"Did he have nightmares often?" Cas asked. Sam glanced up from where he'd taken up his bedside vigil, refusing to leave him, just like he had when he'd been sick.

"Yeah. It, uh, I didn't find out until about two weeks in, seeing as Dean never told me." he spat his brother's name with so much anger that he's surprise he could still see so much of it in his strange, ever changing eyes. "He screamed, so loudly. I...didn't think, I just ran to his room. He was sitting up and his face...it was so...broken, torn down and defeated...it didn't look like he'd ever be happy again. I couldn't just leave him there. It kind of became a routine for us, for him to share the bed with me. Bobby tried everything but the only way he'd calm down was if he was with me. It sounds weird, doesn't it?"

"No, in the parenting book, besides saying how all of them needed to poop. They said that toddlers will often seek out their parent when they have a bad dream." Castiel explained, smiling softly.

"Yeah...when we got him the bear I recorded the messages for him, in case he woke up, scared. I didn't want him to think I'd abandoned him." Sam said, shrugging.

"You're a good father Sam." Cas said, smiling at him softly, he looked at him stunned as if he'd never gotten a compliment on his parenting before. If that was the case he was going to knock some heads. "A really good one."

"You are too but uh...you know what? Never mind." he said, shaking his head but he knew.

"But why does it feel like we're failing? Why does he turn to Dean, instead of us?" he said, smiling softly. "I don't know, I truly wish I did but it's not because you're doing something wrong, you have to believe me."

"It's not because you're doing anything wrong either, maybe it's just how we're meant to live the rest of our life...because of all the rebelling, we've done? Maybe this's God's punishment for us."

"If that's what it is then God can hang. Because you've proven time and time again that you're the best of us. From when you threw Lucifer in his cage, to taking in your...tormentor's son...to forgiving me for my callous words back then. I've never apologized for that, have I?"

"Back at you, all you've ever wanted was to help people. It's okay Cas." he mumbled. "And you don't have to say sorry for back then either, I mean you were right after all, we needed him."

"I saw your limp...when you walked into the camp in the other world with him behind you." he muttered.

His words had an immediate effect, Sam's face paled and shame, guilt and revulsion coursed through his eyes, those eyes...they'd seen too much and bore more than any person should have. And he had convinced him to let his rapist help them...with barey a thought for all the horror he'd put him through.

"I should've listened to you when you said that Lucifer lied to me. I was arrogant, I thought I knew how his mind worked. I thought I understood it. But I was wrong and I didn't listen to the only person in this world who even has a shred of understanding about him. You knew him better than anyone and still...I ignored you...I made you agree to getting his help. And I...I am so sorry...even...even though I don't deserve to be forgiven for that." he said, shaking his head and looking away from his best friend, allowing his regret to pour down his face.

Sam blinked, turning away from him with his eyes glazing over, Castiel didn't expect him to say anything, he didn't need to. He looked back at him and smiled softly.

"I know you're sorry Cas. I know. It's okay. You thought you were doing the right thing. It's okay Cas." he said.

Castiel allowed himself to melt into his friend's embrace. Sam's scent of wood chips, leather and books wraps around him like a hug, allowing him the silent promise of safety that he gives. He'll miss this...when the Empty takes him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Man, is it just me or is Dean getting more and more intolerable as the episodes go by? And that's really sad to say because once upon a time he was one of my favorite characters. But after him saying how Jack wasn't family. I'm more than a little bitter. It's like maybe not to you Dean but to Sam and Castiel he's their son. And then when he kept saying 'It doesn't matter what WE feel' 'WE don't get a choice'. It was infuriating because he was acting like it was already decided and Sam was just being difficult while he was still clearly fighting with all is might to find another way to save his son. 
> 
> Where's the Dean from seasons 1-6? Is he on holidays or something? I want him back! Hope you enjoyed the chapter despite my little rant at the end.


	12. Grief.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Jack deal with the aftermath of Cas's death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SO MANY SPOILERS!

Jack could only stare around him in horror as the empty streets and parks go by. His hands won't stop shaking, he can't stop his mind from wondering about Cas. Was he gone too? When they got back to the bunker would it just be him and Sam? He didn't know if he could handle that, the silence around him is already too much. If the bunker's void of the whispers of Cas's wings, empty of all Dean's booming laughs. How would he and Sam take it? How would they be able to live with that silence? How could he live the rest of his life terrified that Sam would disappear too? He doesn't want to go inside, he isn't ready for what he'll find. His dad forces his lips to curl up in a smile, a soft, ghost of one. One he knows he doesn't mean. He's hurting too and he doesn't think he ever wants to feel that pain again, of seeing his father fall to thousands of little pieces. Sam wraps an arm around his shoulders and he practically falls into his warm embrace. When they walked into the bunker he would've preferred the silence he'd imagine to the gut churning sobs that took up the walls of the bunker.

"Dean?" dad asked softly as they walked into the dungeon, his head immediately began looking around for the one missing. "Dean, where's Cas?"

"He's gone." he whispered.

"Gone? What--how is he gone? You mean he's gone out looking for us? Making sure we're safe?" Jack asked. He didn't want to think about the other option and it looked like his dad didn't either.

"I...I never...I never said it back." he choked out.

"Said what?" Sam asks, his eyes beginning to water and trace down his face. He's coming back. There's no need for his dad to be so sad. He's coming back. He has to come back. "Dean?"

"He...he said he loved me...I never...I never said it back." he muttered.

"No." Sam whispered, shaking his head with tears falling.

"He's not dead! He's not! He always comes back!" Jack heard himself shout, his voice scraped razor blades along his throat. "He's coming back!"

"No..." Dean mumbled, shaking his head. "He's not...Jack...the empty took him when he finally let himself be happy...and Billie..."

"You're lying! Sam! Tell him! Tell him! Tell him, he's coming back!" Jack said, turning to his father who looked as if he was struggling to breathe properly.

Sam turned away from them, his shoulders were shaking. Jack only just managed to catch him as he falls to his knees, a scream on his lips. Seeing his dad...crumple in on himself like that finally cemented it in his mind. Jack heard himself muttering no over and over again as Sam wound his hands around him.

He didn't want to feel this, he didn't want to feel as if his heart was being torn in two. He didn't want his ribs to feel like they've been splintered into a thousand pieces. Or that some of his bones had managed to lodge themselves inside his lungs. Breaking up those branches in them. He didn't want to feel how the sobs tore his throat to pieces. He didn't want to feel the way his dad's tears dampened his own hair or how he clung to him as if he might disappear.

He wanted both of them, he wanted them both to be hugging him, telling him it was gonna be okay. He wanted to feel his dad's wings wrap around him and his other dad. He wanted to hear his gravelling voice hum as he sings those old songs in Enochian that Sam could somehow understand. He just wanted his dads to be with him...he wanted his family.

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry..." dad muttered in his ear and held onto him tighter, cradling his head like his other dad use to.

"I want him back...please, dad. I want him back." he whispered.

Dad didn't say anything, just held him closer.

*

He kept his eyes on the ceiling, he stared at the peeling paint unblinkedly, his eyes were red and sore from crying but he couldn't stop how many escaped him. His room stank of salt and sadness. He turned his eyes to his dad who gently knocked on his door. He let him run into his room after the sorry excuse for a funeral. His dad knew him better than anyone it seemed. He laid down next to him, not saying anything. Just letting him know he was there.

"I'm sorry...about what I said to Dean." he mumbled, shame softly picking at his face. "I shouldn't have gotten so angry."

"It's okay Jack, you're in pain. When that happens it's easy to turn on people we love. Easy to blame them when it's no one's fault. Dean knows you're sorry too." he said.

"When we lost Mary, I wasn't...I didn't feel this pain, this constant pain in me that I feel now. Why does it hurt so much when it didn't before?" he asked.

"He was your father Jack and you loved him. That's why it feels the way it does now." he muttered.

"It's not fair." Jack mumbled. "We were a family again, we were happy. Why does everyone I love die? I've nothing left."

"That's not true." he said, turning to face him with new tears building up in his eyes "You still got me."

"What if you die too? What then? Dean hates me, maybe he'll finally put that bullet in my brain if it happens."

"It won't happen. I won't let it. Chuck's gonna have to tear me apart molecule by molecule before he finishes me off. Because if I die, I'll never stop fighting until I'm back here, with you. Because frankly, you're all I have left." _Of Cas._ He doesn't say.

Jack rolled into his father's waiting arms and cried softly into his flannel.

"I miss him...I miss him so much."

"I do too. But you know, instead of pushing it away, let yourself feel it, pushing it down'll just make it worse. Grief sucks. And you know what? A heart that's hurt is a heart that's been loved. And he loved you, so much." he muttered softly. Jack glanced up at him and wondered if he really didn't know.

"Dad loved you too. You know that, don't you?"

"Not as much as he loved you and Dean." he muttered, playing with his blonde curls, it felt nice. "That's okay. He knows I loved him."

"You're wrong you know." he muttered, his eyelids were fluttering against his flushed cheeks, his tears were finally locked away for now. "You meant the world to him."

As he shut his eyes he wondered if he heard him say something but he figured that he mustn't have. Seeing as he thought he muttered that dad had meant more to him than that. He wondered what that could mean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know what? I'm furious with the writers. Dean's character is all over the damn place this season. One second he's saying Jack's not family and the next he says that he won't give up on him? Writers, are you suffer from amnesia? Also, I'm bitter they made Cas's death all about Dean. I don't care if they confirmed him as bi, honestly I ain't shocked about that. (personally I never saw what others did, maybe it's because I'm an ace, but their friendship was always that to me, a friendship and nothing more, so his line in here 'I never said it back' is platonic and nothing more..)
> 
> Anyway, sorry for the rant. Thanks for reading.


	13. Proud.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!

He couldn't sleep even though his eyes were drooping from exhaustion. Sam slowly sat up from his bed. He wasn't sure what'd brought him to the room next door. Maybe it was the vague sense that if he opened the door he'd find his son on his laptop watching some stupid video about some youtuber screaming at a rage game that he likes so much. Maybe he thought if he opened the door, he'd see him sleeping peaceful with Marvin in his arms. Even though he knew he was gone, concern still woke up in him when he saw his bed cold and unmade. His toys all over the warm plush carpet that he told him to pick up not even the day before. He walked further in. He couldn't remember it being so cold before. Maybe because his son had a way of lighting up an entire room with his smile and innocence. 

He choked softly as he picked up his teddy, it still looked as new as it had when he and Cas picked it up for him after Rowena played her little prank. How pathetic was he that he still had his crib? In case she ever did it again. Though that'd been wishful thinking, Rowena had only wanted to perfect the spell, she wouldn't turn him into a baby over and over again just to ease his baby fever. He sat on the bed and ran his hand over the soft bristles of fur, the cold of his eyes. As if touching something that belonged to him would ease the pain of his son not being here anymore. 

Of course it wasn't all pain. There was pride there too, something he didn't think he could feel so deeply. He supposed that's what being a parent does to people. Every feeling you've ever had, every emotion you've ever felt is heightened. You love a little deeper, you care a little more, you worry a lot and you feel pride as if it was in your bloodstream. Surrounding you like your body was a temple and your pride was its prayer. He supposed that sounded creepy now that he thought of it. But that's the thing about being a parent too. He didn't care what anyone else thought especially not when it came to Jack. He didn't think he'd ever meet someone he'd love as much as he did Dean. But Jack wormed his way inside from the second he was born and he asked him if he was his father. And somehow in those three years, he'd become more than that, he'd become the first concern he had when he got up and the last thing he thought about at night. He'd felt like shit at first. When he realized that Jack was beginning to mean more to him than Dean. And then dad came back. 

"It's not wrong Sam. In fact, I'd say after all Dean's told me about you and the kid that I'd be pretty damn shocked if you didn't care for him on a much deeper level. You're a father now and a damn good one too, better than I ever was. You're gonna learn that no matter what Jack does. You'll never love someone more than you love him. Even if he goes out and I dunno robs a bank and people tell you 'Oh, your kid's a bad person. They stole all that money and scared all those people.' you'll love him. Because he's your son. Your baby, so to speak and no one matters more than them."

How ironic. Sam pressed Marvin's belly and he smiled as the familiar messages come to him. He forgot how many he recorded for him. It still smelt like him. He gently placed the bear on his sheets and began picking up all his toys, managing to step over the death trap that is legos and placed them neatly in his box that he's always kept under his bed. 

"So, the monsters can't hide underneath."

If Dean ever tried to gut this room he was going to tear his hands from his body himself to stop him. This's Jack's room. And it's going to stay that way, in case he ever gets bored upstairs and wants to come down for a sleepover once and a while. Or he wants to join in on a hunt. He'll do that won't he? He's only three, he wouldn't want to be all by himself would he? It's a fragile thing but he holds onto it as if it's his life line. He doesn't think he'd be able to sleep at night, too worried about him if he never came home. When the room's as tidy as it can be, he finds himself sitting on his bed, staring up at the sky through the peeling paint. 

"Hey Jack. I know you said not to pray to you but uh, I just...I needed to talk to you. I'm sure you're busy with all the other things Chuck messed up, you probably won't even hear this prayer. But...I'm so proud of you." he said, smiling, even as the tears steadily began to fall. "So, so proud. I know you're gonna be a good God because you're a good person. You've always been a good person. Cas and I, we didn't even have to steer you on the right path you just knew. I'm gonna miss you too. I'm gonna miss our late night maratheons, I mean especially Spider-man, I know he's your favorite. Dean couldn't get the name out of his head for months after because of how much you talked about him."

"I'm gonna miss Iron Man and how you were always stubbornly set on how he and Peter's relationship was like ours. I'm gonna miss singing to you, yeah, even that. Despite how I always thought I hated it. I was lying to myself. I'm gonna miss singing to you in the Enochian that Michael seared into my brain. I'm gonna miss how I always told you that I loved you every night you went to sleep and how much I meant every single word of it. Anyway, just in case you don't know. If it ever gets boring up there, you can always visit. I know I'd...really appreciate it if you did. It'd give your old man a little bit of peace." he said, smiling slightly. 

"Hey Sam, you okay?" Dean asked, poking his head in the door after what seemed to him like a few seconds but it'd actually been 4 going on 5 hours. 

"Yeah." he said, smiling gently as he got to his feet. "Yeah, I'm good. I just...I needed a second." 

"No worries about it, take your time." he answered. 

"No one touches anything in here." he warned his brother, he put his hands in the air. 

"I wasn't going to, this's Jack's room." 

"Okay...good." he mumbled, breathing out for the first time in several hours. 

He turned to glance around his room one last time, committing each little thing to memory, from his covers of star wars, to his poster of Tommy Oliver from the power rangers. He didn't want to forget anything. He couldn't, he wouldn't. He smiled gently, satified before he switched out the light and closed the door gently behind him.


	14. Hi dad.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Heaven. Sam finally gets all he's wanted.

Sam looked around him, smiling to himself softly. His house was as tidy as it could be and he had his pictures up on the wall, only now. They had Little Dean in them, from when he was two all the way up to when he was 22. And they're always beside his brother, sometimes when he's feeling imaginative. He's make up a new photograph with just him and Jack inside. Those are the ones he hides from Dean, and Cas when he comes by. Those are for him. And when he lays down to sleep at night, his dreams are for his children. You wouldn't think being able to sleep in Heaven would be a luxary but it was. He'd spend too long in the cage, with every single waking second being torn and ripped apart to not appreciate the exact science of rest. He's finally stopped flinching when a door bangs too loudly as well, something he hadn't thought was possible. Sam walks towards his little chest at the end of his bed and smiles as he holds up Little Dean's sonogram. He'd kept that too. Along with Jack's first picture. 

That's all he's missing now, he supposed. He has his brother. And for that he'll always be grateful. But he wanted his kids, he wondered if that made him selfish? But really, he doesn't care. He spent far too long hiding what he wanted. Hell if he doesn't deserve a break. He can be selfish and still want the best for them. He can miss them and hope he sees them again soon. Sam smiled as he picked up his photo album and opened the first page. 

_"It hurts." Jack cried softly, glaring at his hand and the blood oozing out of the cut. He wasn't taking to being human very well. Sam smiled gently._

_"I know it does kiddo. How'd you even end up on the glass in the first place?" he asked, carefully pouring the disinfectant over it. Jack hissed, keeping his hand as still as he could while tears gently fall._

_"Maggie and I were outside, she was training me to run faster and I tripped on a root." his cheeks blushed lightly at his confession._

_"I'll have to clean up the woods a little then, huh?" he asked, sewing up his hand expertly. "Just a little more. You're doing great buddy."_

_Jack took in a shuddering gasp as he finished his last stitch, he smiled slightly as Sam wraps his hand in clean bandages. Sam smiled and gently brushed his tears away._

_"There all done." he said, he softly stroked his cheek, a trick he learned pretty quick that calmed his son when Jack was distressed or scared when he woke up from a nightmare. "Good job buddy."_

Sam turned the next page, he was in Little Dean's room, he was sitting by his bed and he must've been about five. He had wanted a story. 

_"Daddy, tell me a story about my brother." he said, his eyes wide and curious. Sam chuckled, he asked for Jack stories every night and on the off chance he wanted to hear a different one about his uncle Dean or his uncle Cas, it only ever lasted about 5 minutes. He'd gotten attached to his brother, almost latching onto his memory and he can't say he blames him._

_"Okay, which one?" he asked._

_"Um, one I've never heard before!" he said, nodding to himself at his choice._

_"I think you've heard them all buddy."_

_"Come on! No I haven't!" he whined back, pouting softly. Sam chuckled, gently stroking his cheek like Jack, he's so like him. It's strange._

_"Okay, have I ever told you about how, when I first met him, I was scared?" he asked._

_"No, why were you scared? Did he look like the bad man you have nightmares about?" he asked. Eyeing him with worry._

_"Sort of. His grace was like his, raw and powerful. You could feel it in every creak of that old cabin, every rotten plank that splintered and every breeze that blowed. But it wasn't evil. It was light and beautiful. Whereas with the bad man. It was rot and darkness. But at the time, it was enough to remind me about him." he admitted. Softly rustling his son's hair. "He called me his father when we first met, did you know that? I thought...I thought he could feel his grace in me and that scared me. It still scares me." he muttered._

_"I'm sorry daddy." he mumbled, holding onto his hand gently. Sam smiled at him in confusion._

_"What for? You didn't do anything." he said._

_"I'm sorry that the bad man hurt you." he answered. His eyes glistened with hardly held back tears. **How did I get so lucky?**_

_"That's okay buddy. He's gone now."_

_"But he hurts you still. I wish I could take away your pain like Jack but I can't. So, I'll protect you from any other bad men. I promise."_

Sam chuckled softly. His sons were so good. _The only things I ever got right._ He opened the page and saw it was the one where Jack had gotten awful sick, when he was human. Sam dragged his hands over his small imprint in the picture. 

_"Sam, you haven't come out of here in three days." mom sighed, plopping down beside him. Sam turned to her angrily._

_"Shush!" he said, glaring at her. "My kid's sleeping."_

_"Your kid, huh?" she asked, smiling gently. Sam blinked at her before he turned away, his ears turning softly red._

_"I'm sorry I snapped at you, he's been getting sick all night." he brushed Jack's sweaty curls out of his face gently. Jack hummed turning into his warmth and sniffling miserably, even in his sleep._

_"It's okay." she said. "And you don't have to be sorry about calling him your kid, you know. Because he is."_

_"He's what?" Sam asked, hardly listening to what she was saying. Mary grinned and squeezed her youngests' shoulder gently._

_"Yours Sammy. He's yours."_

Sam paused finally on the last page of his book, in the hospital. When he first set his eyes on him. 

_"Here you are. Mister Winchester. You've a beautiful son." the nurse said, handing him his baby._

_Sam could only stare at him in utter adoration. He was perfect, from the curve of his nose to the lift in his eyes, his face screwed up and he slowly blinked them open. Sam chuckled, brushing his fingers along his face as he stared at him with big blue eyes that'd no doubt change as he grew older._

_Dean giggled, giving him the biggest, most gummiest smile he could, reaching up and holding onto his finger as tightly as his baby strength allowed._

_"Hey son." he whispered, almost breathless in his joy. "I'll keep you safe. I promise. No monsters for you."_

Sam looked up in confusion when someone knocks on his door. Sam placed down the album. Handling it as if it was gold instead of a tattered old photo album. He opened it and his youngest son was smiling back at him. Sam stared at him for a moment in shock before he hugged him tightly.

Dean laughed, hugging him back. Sam smiled and breathed in the clean air Heaven provided. Tears were falling unbidden but he didn't care. 

"Hi dad." a new voice calls. Dean smirked as he froze, looking behind him and seeing Jack in all his glory. 

He looked the same as he had the day he left, wearing his white jacket, shirt and blue jeans, his hair was longer though, his bangs were hanging down, just like they had when he was younger. He blinked for a moment and suddenly he's younger, maybe 16 and his tears were falling even as he smiled. 

"I missed you." 

Sam moved forward and grabbed them both pullling them into his gigantic arms. Jack and Dean wrapped their arms around him, both giving off identical chuckles.

"Hi boys." he mumbled, unable to get anything else out of his garbled throat.

But he didn't need to, they knew exactly what he wanted to say and it just made them hold onto him more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this's it. This's the end of an Era. But I'm so glad that I got to watch Supernatural and I'm beyond happy that Sam got his happy ending with his youngest son. So, naturally, being me. I couldn't leave him off without Sam seeing his babies. Just one last time.
> 
> And I couldn't leave Jack out either. Well, this's been fun! Thanks for riding along with me!


End file.
